they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
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Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave