My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
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Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy