In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
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Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!