I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
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If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.