Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
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Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Lassie, get help!
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.