Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
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To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes