[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
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PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Oh my God.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY