[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
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If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Finally, a door that understands me
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
🤣🤣
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.