You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
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[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
S/o to @funTweeters .
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Growing up was a huge mistake
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Worst bar ever.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
This is not me but this is me
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”