*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
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I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?