When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
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I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]