If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
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*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
The options really are this bad
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in