Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
You Might Also Like
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Oh thanks BBC.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Single and childfree like Jesus
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here