Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
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My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.