[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
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crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*