[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
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You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
oh you wanna fight?!
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
This is why I hate group projects
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.