911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
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Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
🍞🦆
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING