Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
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[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.