I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
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i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
My five year plan is a meteorite
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Yup
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me