My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
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I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats