When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
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As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.