Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
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Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
God has left this place
Seems legit
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.