Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
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The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Dead
Alive
Other✔
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.