I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
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(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”