I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
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[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition