Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
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There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Straight people are cancelled
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
The French cow says MEUX…
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life