*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
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I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Single and childfree like Jesus
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK