In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
You Might Also Like
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Realize this: