Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
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If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.