Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
You Might Also Like
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.