You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
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“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Raisins are grape jerky.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life