Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
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Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
#FunnyLife Insects
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house