Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
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I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..