Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
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Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.