SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
You Might Also Like
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁