Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
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a god among men
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
How it started: How it’s going:
Oh we’ve met.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Dear Lord..
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore