Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
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You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.