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[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
mentally somewhere in italy
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.