On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
You Might Also Like
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Stop sending me this shit.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower