Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
You Might Also Like
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Have a lovely day 😊