Bros before Ohioes
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here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
welp
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!