Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
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What fresh Hell is this?!?
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
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