[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
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I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
If you love someone, let them tweet.