BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
You Might Also Like
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Bike for sale