Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
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It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
inside you are two wolves
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.