me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
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I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.