Do robots dream of electric sheep?
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Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.