Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
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You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I would move hell over six inches for you
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.