My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
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Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup