I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
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you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}